Young Writers Society

This was interesting. It had great word usage and really strong feeling behind it, though I think you should change the title? The title is a little demeaning and amatuer for me. That's just me though. lol

Try to break your lines apart and this should flow wonderfully.

Keep at it!
~Rieda

i liked this poem although the theme was a little obscure but i really enjoyed your choice of wordsthey were very precise and the truth was very much alive in the lines.

Yo!

Not trying to sound overtly scathing here but what exactly is this poem about? War? A warrior? Is it anti-violence?
Sorry, maybe I'm just missing the point but although the dialogue was good I found the subject a little cloudy.

Could you excuse my denseness?

P.S. Thanks for signing my pitifully empty guestbook

~D'Inkweaver

Hmm...

I liked this, but I don't think that it conveys your meaning to the reader very effectively. It was well-written; your imagery and language were strong, the rhyme and rhythm were consistent, it flowed well, etc... but it felt... cluttered. I had a hard time deciphering much meaning from it. What was the main message you were trying to convey with this poem? Think about that and work on making the poem's message more obvious to the reader. Oh, and I'll second Claudette's suggestion: proof read this for punctuation stuff. I think the first line needs to broken up with either a comma or question marks.

So, ya... I basically just echoed everything Claudette said.

I do like this, and I think it has the potential to be a very strong piece with a little revision. I liked the Redwall books alot when I was younger, too... It's been a while since I've read them so I don't recall what the poems were like... It's good to draw inspiration from your favorite writers, though.

Nice work, Keep writing! ^_^

Yep! Arigato for the critique!
~Sumi

I'm not entirely sure what to say XD I read it, but the rhyming clawed at my brain, strangely enough, and so did the flow. Something about it all together doesn't sit right with me, but I cannot put my finger on it...Sorry! This will end up being my worst poetry critique ever.

You used good language, but I couldn't figure out what it was about. I could go on and on about what poetry should be/do but I won't, cause I don't feel like it right now and I'm not entirely sure you actually need that aspect.

The only thing I could suggestion is improving the punctuation. Poetry & Punctuation is an article I wrote that will hopefully help you understand the strong connection between the two.

Wow, this really is the worst poetry critique I've given, sorry it is so lousy! Hope I helped a little bit...